- Tina Pascual
- Jun 27, 2020
- 4 min read
Updated: Sep 28, 2020
“There you go! There you go, you’ll both fall down. I bet”, gagged by one of our friends while they try to push me and Ron-ron down the river.
I was six years old and he was five that time. I can’t remember his facial details but just like the water in the river, my feelings was still all clear to date. As the saying goes, ‘first love never dies’.
Since that time, we became allies and playmates. Karate and driving toy cars are our favourite.
Few years after, my parents decided for the whole family to reside in the city. We spent more than a day riding a ship to get there. Ever since that time, I had forgotten about him.
Until one day…
“Your cousin Ron-ron will arrive tonight. He will also study here in the city for good. We allowed him to stay with us for the meantime until his grandfather will come and fetch him”, informed by my mother.
As soon as he arrived that night came, I rushed and crawled quietly at the stairs to take a peek of him. I felt a mixed of nervousness, joy, excitement, and shyness when I once again had a glimpse of him while he impatiently sits at the sofa. He was all covered up with a black jacket and pants but his face was all fair. Complete with well rounded eyes and dark brown curly hair, I'm convinced that he’s the most handsome that I ever laid eyes on. Everything about him is so perfect.
“Was he also thinking about of me?”, I asked myself.
I was twelve. Young but my heart already knew. At that moment, I am sure that I am in love with him.
Few hours after, my mom called us for supper. She also invited our playmates to eat with us. When I chose to sit beside him, he greeted me and my knees felt week. At that point, one of our pretty friend, Irish, sat on his other side. Minutes later, they laugh about the eggs that they were eating. I felt so jealous that I volunteered to make milk for everybody and secretly put lots of sugar for their glasses.
The next day, I woke up and found out he had already gone to his new home. From that time on, I just diverted my attention in writing his name everywhere - in stationaries, notebooks, memo pads…For me, that was the most beautiful name a guy could have. Sometimes, I wrote letters for him. Its not that I have an intention to send it, but it helped me manage my sadness of not seeing him.
Often, I will look at the window and daydream about us loving each other, married with lots of children and are very happy. Because of that intense feeling, I'm sure he’s the one I wanted to be with forever.
When the school holiday came, he spent his days and slept over with us. We both played video games, walked hand in hand along the neighbourhood and went up the rooftop. Every dinner, we ate together and fought with the last piece of our favourite fruit, a mango.
One night, while we were having our supper with my siblings, my brothers spilled my secret admiration to him. They had read my hidden letters for Ron-ron. I was so embarrassed. Yet, after few days later, it was still him that I desired.
I was hoping that he also likes me and that all my dreams will come true. But, every time my friends would ask me, ‘Who is your crush?’, I didn’t gave an answer. I tried my best to hide what I feel because I knew it wasn’t right. It was wrong because he is my cousin. But I can't help my feelings.
This issue immediately reached my parents, “Stop your folly. Don’t you know you can’t be together? You are cousins! There are lots of other guys out there.”
Still, in more than two years, I nursed and concealed my feelings. And in that more than two years, I never saw him again. Always, I will pack my clothes to get ready. I was yearning that if someday he’ll come back, I will definitely go and live with him. But, he didn’t showed up. I have no idea what happened and how he was. He was gone. Most probably, because he already knew about my desire for him and wasn't interested at all. Or maybe, we just became too busy with our own personal lives.
Thereafter, two decades had passed. Every time I passed by a river, I saw myself smiling. I can still clearly see the reflection of my first love. It always flash backed to me the time when he and I were pushed to the river by our playmate and we fell. Then we just stared at each other and laugh out loud.
Finally, one fine afternoon, while I was crossing by the river beside my sister’s place, I received a call from him!
“Is your company there abroad got some hiring for my wife?”, he decisively asked.
I promised to help him and his wife out. Then I said goodbye with endearing, “I miss you there.”
He suddenly hung up. And that was my last words for him.
As I continued to walk along, I plead to myself in address to him, "Please, there are no more malice". Surely, my affection had faded with time. But if I will be given a few more minutes, I will tell.
I will tell over again how much I’m missing them. I’m missing everyone there in my home country. Because for the first time when my new phone rang, I tremendously felt sorrowful being away from my beloveds. I left to be an OFW*.
*OFW - Overseas Filipino Workers. A diaspora.
For Filipino (Tagalog) Version: https://www.thediaryofahousewife.com/post/ang-una-kong-pag-ibig-ay-sa-pinsan
