LOCKDOWN DIARY
How I day-by-day spent the ‘Stay-at-Home’ during the Corona Virus Outbreak.
Lovingly written in Singapore.
In this country, April 2, 2020, the Prime Minister had announced a circuit breaker measures to combat the spike of the Covid19 spread. The country is not in total lockdown, but applied stringent community rules to break the chain of infection and protect its people. Thus, we are still allowed to work at home, buy essentials and do physical activities at the park with utmost awareness for social distancing and good hygiene. However, allow me to also use the word ‘lockdown’ in my writings for the purpose of compensating to the general use.
Moreover, this is not regarding the country but about my everyday experiences and thoughts. To make use of my time, I decided to hone my skills while sharing stories you might relate. Hopefully, it may encourage you too in anyway this would.
To give you a brief background of myself. I am of middle age, living with my husband of 4 years. Both, are foreigners living for more than a decade in this illustrious land. Him, as permanent resident and I, his dependent. We will be stuck in our rented studio pad located at the central heritage district of the east. Together, we will endure this ‘stay at home’ situation.
Day 1: 7 April, 2020, Tuesday
I CHOPPED THE CHICKEN HEAD!
Warning: not for vegetarians.
The night before, my husband had brought home his mega desktop and piles of documents to prepare himself for a month-long homework. Fortunately, we have a spare space for it. We also adjusted our waking time alarm. It was good to know that we don’t have to wake up a couple of hours earlier to prepare for work.
In the morning, I noticed my husband was restless. He was trying so hard to concentrate. He haven’t got a momentum of doing his job at home yet. In fact, he blurted out that he find it difficult watching me do my exercise while he was stuck on his computer.
Later in the morning, he eventually managed to shift himself into his tasks. Yet, each time we heard some signs of life from the outside like a car engine or people’s voices, we raced to the window to check the surroundings. We were like dogs waiting in front of the door to kiss his arriving master.
Cooked chili chicken adobo for dinner.
During lunch, the serenity made us felt like we are the only humans living on this earth. For the first time, we felt we own the world. Luckily I was stuck with someone I really like and whom fascinates me. This moment made me convinced that if there is only one man left in this world for me to be with, I only want him. Then, he popped a suggestion, “It seems like we’re the only people alive in this world. That means, we have to hustle up to multiply". I don’t know if I should take it as something romantic ‘cause I actually felt uneasy. But it’s his way of lightening things up.
Before evening, I decided to cook the fresh whole chicken we bought last weekend. Few minutes later, I exclaimed to him, “Honey, today, I am brave!”
“Why?”, he mindlessly asked
“I chopped the chicken’s head!”, I announced proudly.
It was always my husband’s task to cut the chicken into pieces as I felt bad and gross doing it. But today, I considered it an accomplishment. It’s something that I did for the first time while assuring the chicken (or maybe more of myself), “It’s OK dear, whoever you are, I’m terribly sorry but you’ll be alright, you'll be alright”.
We enjoyed the chicken whom I named, Chiquitita. After dinner, I realised how important it is to be daring enough to cut the chicken into pieces. Its actually a skill needed for survival if all things goes back to basic.
I was reminded how I always reasoned that as long as I know how to make money, I can buy food, I can eat out, I can live. But at this challenging times when our means are limited, I realised my mother-in-law was after all right when she said, “You’ll find it hard to survive if you don’t know how to prepare and cook your own food.”
Clear white clouds observed this day.
I was busy editing my journal while he was with his job, when suddenly he announced, “Break! Break! It’s already my break."
He meant its lunch time. He asked me what to eat. I replied, “We have some flat bread. Its nice with a crunchy peanut butter.”
“OK, I’ll buy some drink outside. I want a milk tea at Al Lasah”, a 24 hours Indian food hawker centre just beside our condo.
The truth is, he just can’t keep up being stuck with only me to chat with. My husband is such a perfect example of an extrovert. I knew he cannot stand without socialising to people. He loves small talk even with strangers. In fact, as an introvert, I’m often pissed when he raises his voice to be heard by others. He always craved for someone to participate in our conversation if it doesn’t mean him, joining others.
He excitedly wore his mask and zoomed out the door bringing back a cup of iced teh tarik. Immediately, he exclaimed, “You must take a look at the clouds. Its as white as your face when you saw me rushing out for a cold drink.”
Day 2: 8 April, 2020, Wednesday
STUCK IN THE SOUND OF SILENCE
I hurried at the window and was amazed by what I saw. It is seldom to have a large, thick and very white clouds in Singapore. It's just a day of the lockdown but the sky already looks so clean or perhaps, we are just used to see the scrapers and failed to appreciate the nature.
After our mini meal, I decided to entertain myself by listening to music:
I’ve got* nobody, nobody but you.
I’ve got nobody, nobody but you.
I sang along while I ‘funny’ dance and just before the last chorus ended, he sang and danced along with me. We burst into laughter while we kept on rewinding the song and our dance steps. Isn’t it so timely? Well, we were trying to keep up our sanity - I hope.
Just before the night came, I took a shower and instantly, I was singing my heart out:
I’m stuck on you.
Been a fool too long
I think** it’s time for me to come home.
Guess I’m on my way…
As soon as I get out of the bathroom, I told him what I just realised: that singing was actually a good lung exercise. Now that we cannot just anyhow go our for a jog, it's a good replacement.
Moreover, I declared that it was my new theme song for him. He just answered with a smile, but I knew he liked it too. Because he kept on loudly singing it while he works.
A little bit later he realised he was having an LSS. I just giggled and joked a song which I think was perfect for today. My aim is to replace his last song with a new one. I pressed my phone buttons to play the music over and over until we retired for sleep.
Hello darkness my old friend.
I’ve come to talk with you again.
Because a vision softly creeping
left it seeds while I was sleeping
and the vision that was planted
in my brain still remains
Within the sound of silence.***
And so we were stuck in silence…
Because I sang it with my own words. Here’s the correct lyrics with the song title and the singer.
*want (I want nobody but you by Wondergirls)
**Guess (Stuck on you by Lionel Richie)
***Sound of silence by Simon & Garfunkel
Day 3: 9 April, 2020, Maundy Thursday
"HONEY, PLEASE, I'M NAKED!"
We started our day with a breakfast of vegetables and fruits salad. My husband had declared that he wanted to fast from meats ‘cause it’s Maundy Thursday. I said the holy week was just in time for the lockdown. At least, we don’t have to force ourselves to abstain from being merry and create a tranquil sanctuary that is conducive for meditation and prayers. Although I was converted into a full gospel Christian, my husband and I were both raised as Catholics. Our parents believed that the holy week should be observed with no play, party, sin and noise.
After our wholesome meal, we continued our mundane routine up until lunch time. This time, we had noodles. Before we started it with our chopsticks, my husband came across a video about a Chinese family living in his hometown. He said, their house had been stoned because everyone in the household was infected by the covid-19 virus. I was indignant how these raging people are so barbaric, discriminatory, racist and immoral.
Fruits & vegetables salad for breakfast.
He again emphasised, “Well, they were from China.”
“So what?”, I was angry.
Those people who are stoning the house doesn’t have the license to do it just because the infected family were Chinese - and even if they were not. Who wants the disease, anyway? They don’t deserved to be treated like that. Especially that they complied to the home quarantine policy. I understand that the local people’s reaction are part of their own fear, panic and well - lack of sound education. As for me, I can only hope that this virus season will soon come to an end.
In the afternoon, I decided to iron our pile of clothes. After more than 2 hours, I got tired and can't anymore stand the combination of heat coming from the flat iron and the sunny weather. So, I decided it quits, took off my clothes and laid down in bed to rest.
I was playing in my phone when I heard my husband talking to someone. I stood up and checked.
“Honey, are you video conferencing?”, I got dumbstruck.
“Yes!”
“Honey, please, I’m naked! I’m just at your back.”, in alarm.
He laughed and said, no worries, he just silenced and off it.
“Did the camera caught me? Did they saw me?”, I was worried.
He then again reassured me with a chuckle that nobody saw me nude but him.
“Honey, next time, please tell me first if your going for a video call. And by the way, it’s not funny.”
…so this is what happens to people works from home…probably, some leaked and invaded privacy…
Day 4: 10 April, 2020, Good Friday
WE HIT THE BEACH
Hitting the beach on a Good Friday.
Since its a public holiday for a Good Friday observance, we slept and stayed in bed a little bit longer.
In the afternoon, we decided to go out and exercise at the beach. But before that, we bought some burger meal at the mall while keeping an eye on how’s life outside home. We enjoyed people-watching while walking. There were few people walking fast to buy food. We also took note on how they obey the rules of safe-distancing and such. Also, we noticed that non-essential retails were now close. Overall, we're glad that we're out of house confinement.
As we reached the beach, there were more people doing their exercise, walking their dogs and guiding their toddlers. Somehow, we managed to avoid near contacts by striding along the shore while we eat our tapaw*.
We watched the sun set and felt grateful, grateful for the decision we made a year a ago. We chose to settle near the coastal park after moving out from a tiny room and away from a toxic housemate. Surely, it will be miserable being stuck in an unpleasant environment.
Knowing that our home country had also locked down, we can't help not to ask, "How about those people who doesn't have a happy home, those who are maltreated or abused by a family member, or those who are alone and away from their family?". We thought about those children, or teenagers, or wife who are molested or even raped by their father or husband. We felt for those who are consistently beaten, bullied and nagged. It's also dreadful to think about those unfaithful husband who doesn't know where to stay - with wife or with mistress. Considering those children who ran away or those who pre-maturely marry just to get out from a dysfunctional family, made us felt poignant. Certainly, this circuit breaker will be more harder for them - and perhaps, very devastating.
Even so, as for both of us, we thanked God that he constantly work for the good of our lives.
Afterwards, we jogged like there were no tomorrow, aiming that our exercise will be good enough for a whole week of being sheltered again at home.
2 hours after, I complained of getting tired and requested to buy dinner as I was too exhausted to cook. But my husband volunteered to cook for us. Instead, I laid down in bed to rest while. As I peeked on how he happily whistle a song while he serves me, I felt relieved that I’ve got a house arrest with this kind of man - caring and thoughtful - not to mention a good cook.
*Singaporean term for take-away food.
Day 5: 11 April, 2020, Black Saturday
WE PANIC BUY
It’s supposed to be a no work day ‘cause its weekend. But my husband can’t find anything to do but work. This leads me into carrying out my own ‘clean up’ task. I mean, doing little and invaluable stuffs that piled up over the busy days. I think this lockdown is a good time to finally dig into the neglected details of our life and execute it.
Few ideas on my list are,
- sew the small tears and secure loose buttons in our clothes,
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re-arrange closets the way we really wanted it to look like,
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wipe the kitchen cabinets and downsize our wares,
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box unwanted novelties and maybe set it aside for future donation,
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dust off our mini library or eventually cuddle with a book I’ve been longing to read,
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sort out our collections, do some maintenance and store it in a way more pleasing to us,
Yummy crispy noodles and tasty shrimp paste chicken.
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trash outdated e-mails especially the spams, perhaps read the unread or replied to some,
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paint our walls for a mood change and revamp,
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learn at least 3 new pasta recipe,
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take attention to our working area, redesign, or redecorate it,
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groom our selves and style a new hair-do,
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replace plastic containers with glass,
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at last have a tik-tok account and learn a new dance move,
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do some general house cleaning - a really general cleaning,
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finally move the heavy furniture I’ve been wanting to use as an accent, and
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scrape the stick-on marks on our study table and at the doors
For now, I decided to delete unnecessary files on our hard drive. It has been taking too much space and it has been for a year that I wanted to do it. But I can’t find time as there are other more significant things to do. Now’s the perfect time and it took most of my day.
It was already evening when I remembered that we don’t have anything to cook. I have thrown the expired and undesired from the pantry and refrigerator the night before as part of my ‘clean up’. Also, I'm a minimalist with what I store. That means I always buy enough and what we can only consume for a week. Aside from the fact that I am not a huge eater, I have this inability choose from too much food choices. So, I didn’t really like stocking up. In fact, in the culture where I grew up, I was always conceived as poor because my ref was always empty.
Now, it's time to shop for a weeklong grocery supplies. I proposed that this will be our night time activity. Unfortunately, as me and my husband arrived at the nearby store, most of the fresh proceeds are wiped out. The panic buying situation had been frustrating especially for someone like me. Nevertheless, I am positive that we can do some supermarket shopping some other day.
For that reason, we rushed to the coffeeshop which also sells cooked local food. This hawker stall is located 3 streets away from where we live. But we were like, “Hurry, hurry up!”, “Don’t go near him”, “Don’t go far”, “Walk fast”.
We suddenly got paranoid remembering the news we just read earlier that the authorities are actually penalising the people who were not complying to the circuit breaker policies. Though we knew, we obey, walking a little bit further made us more scared of the government than of the spreading virus. To make things lighter, we therefore called ourselves, The Panic Buyers - dashing to get the most scrumptious crispy noodles and shrimp paste chicken in the neighbourhood.
Day 6: 12 April, 2020, Easter Sunday
EASTER CRAVINGS HUNT
Originally, we planned to go for a biking exercise early in the morning at the neighbourhood. But my husband was again caught up with work. While he toils, I did my house chores. Such as washing our dirty clothes, changing our beddings, computing our whole month’s budget and such. Because of that, I felt like I am a responsible wife. Therefore, I deserve some treat of foods which I have been craving for the whole week.
Before the lockdown, we see to it to eat-out every weekend for what we had been craving for the whole week. We considered it a reward for a weeklong of working, meeting goals and being a better person. Now, that seems to be unattainable since we cannot just simply go out. Nevertheless, today, we managed to have time to go outside and buy our groceries in the afternoon.
The colourful shophouses along our street.
Nowadays, going outside the house already seems to be an adventure for us and pursuing the food we crave is like were having an easter egg hunt. In fact, our basket is full of treasure goodies to take home from combing the area. These is what and how we found our eggs on the baskets:
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Two milkfish from the painted green supermarket located across our street. Going out the market, my exclaimed said, “At last! I can finally cook and eat fish again. It feels like a long time since I haven’t had one.”
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A char siew (Singapore version of bacon) noodles and pork ribs rice meal from the neutral coloured hawker center adjacent to the supermarket. By the way, I felt proud of ourselves for bringing our own container. The government had encouraged the people to bring our own packaging to compensate for the demands of take-away orders.
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A pack of crunchy chocolate biscuits in a convenience store with a pink facade beside the hawker centre. I had been regularly buying it each time I passed by and I just can’t live without a chocolate fix for at least a day in a week.
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A cup of mild iced coffee and a bottle of chilled strawberry flavoured milk at the black & white themed coffee shop in front of the convenience store. We had been salivating these in mind for days.
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A handful of Oreo cookie sundae in a yellow shaded ice cream parlour behind the coffee shop. I considered it a huge golden egg as I had been dying to try it for a long time. What’s more, I had been passing by the stall numerous times, yet I suppressed my appetite to cut down sugar intake. Now, I have an excuse for this feast.
As a result, we had basketful of sweet treats and our day was complete. I want nothing more but to appreciate the rest of the afternoon weather while we tread back home. It feels nostalgic walking along the neighbourhood. Prior to the circuit breaker, we were always busy trying to catch up for our ‘to do’ list and forgot about being actually part of a charming heritage town. This day, despite of the lockdown vibes, the colourful shophouses, the attractive bougainvilleas, the pretty apartments, and the seamless road still exudes an invitation to smile and be grateful.
That reason had made us imagined our childhood memories when easter egg painting and hunting was such a merry time with our families and friends. In this challenging time, even our loved ones can only exist behind gadget screen and in memories. Howbeit, it made us look forward to more of this moments soon…
Day 7: 13 April 2020, Monday
“HELLO?”
Today, was just another mundane Monday. As usual, my husband worked diligently.
As for me, I spent my morning doing house chores. When I was folding our sun dried clothes I received an unexpected call. She claimed she was from the immigration office. However, she briskly mumbled while I was trying to catch up with what she was trying to convey. I wasn’t able to follow her but she suddenly hung up. It left me open-mouthedly shocked.
As a foreigner, I am worried as to what it might be. Even if I believe I had been responsible enough with my stay in this country. I can’t help but be bothered. And so, I called back numerous times. But there was no answer.
“Anyway, if its a serious matter, she’ll definitely ring me again”, I told my husband when I got frustrated and decided to wait for her call instead.
Waiting for my phone to ring.
But after how many hours, we were still pondering on what could be the possible reason of the call. So my husband googled it over the internet, hoping to ease our anxiety. Then he read aloud,
“BEWARE OF THE PEOPLE CALLING YOU AND PRETENDING TO BE AN IMMIGRATION OFFICER!”
And blah, blah, blah…
“If it’s a bluff, how was she able to know my full name when I only give it for three reasons?”, I wonder.
I have a long name, and to many, it is hard to read as it is a non-english and non-local name. In fact, in my entire life, I got only about 2% of people pronouncing it correctly (not including relatives, of course). So, I only use it in three important mode of transactions (which I preferred not to disclose).
“These scammers are getting pretty desperate for money nowadays”, we both agreed.
“But what can they buy with it, now that we can’t almost purchase mostly but essentials?”, shoulders shrugged.
In the end, we decided to report it to the police as soon as we can.
Afterwards, we calmly went on throughout the day with our own separate agendas. Its dinner time when we were able to significantly face and talk to each other again. I noticed he is very downcast, so I asked why.
“My staff had called me and she wanted to tender her resignation”, he softly answered.
“Why? I think its harder to find jobs these days. Most of the businesses are having a hard time”, I query.
“Well, she said her mood is being affected. Its been more than a week that she haven’t seen her family because of the travel restrictions”, he explained.
“Maybe she just missed her family”, I tried to be thoughtful.
“Yes, but aren’t we haven’t seen ours for more than a year?”, he reasoned.
“People have different threshold and personal battles.”
…
We were talking about more when my phone rang. I leaped to answer it. Not knowing if I should hope it’s the immigration lady or not.
“Hello?”
It was my group of friends back home. They just heard the news about the circuit breaker and they were worried about me. We talked about many things related to the current situation. There were various opinions and feelings which had been raised. Few minutes after, I bid goodbye by reassuring them, “Don’t worry! I’m in Singapore.”
Day 8: 14 April 2020, Tuesday
BATTLEFIELD OF FEAR
As we are done with our routine tasks, I encouraged my husband to go out for a biking exercise at the park. I just felt that we need to do it often since we’re stuck sitting at the table most of the time.
My husband had bought a bike few weeks before the circuit breaker. He aims to pedal for work as part of his work-out. We also surveyed to buy one for me. But most of the stocks that is suitable for my built are unavailable. Majority of the bicycles came from China’s manufacturing industry and because of their lockdown, goods in other countries had also been affected. We were told to wait until the business operations will come back to normal.
Consequently, we only have one bike. So, we agreed to take turns using the bicycle while one jogs. It’s me to cycle first but beforehand, I reminded my husband that I’m not really good in biking. I had an accident long time ago. Ever since, I became intimidated and had stopped cycling. Now, gripping the wheel felt like my first time again.
Biking exercise at the park.
“It’s all in the mind”, he smiled.
The confidence that he gave made me cycle as fast as I can to sweat. As I went along, I noticed that the beach area was taped to signal that it isn’t permitted anymore to wander beyond the path. I suddenly felt fearful.
I fear the that maybe in few more days, we will not be allowed to go at the park at all.
I fear imagining a more stringent measures soon.
I fear that my freedom to enjoy public space will be taken away.
I fear to spend the rest of the month (or maybe more) confined in the house.
I fear that maybe I will not be able to adjust to isolation.
I fear that if we we're settling important matters outside, the authorities might think that we are just wandering around.
I fear that if I’ll be infected, I might also transmit it to my husband and vice versa.
I fear that if we got sick, nobody can take care for us and no one will take charge for our personal responsibilities.
I fear that if we contract the disease we might not get enough support from the government - because we're foreigners.
I fear losing much money which we had been working hard and saving for many years if in case we got hospitalised.
I fear that if this lockdown will pursue, we might lose our job.
I fear of the possibility of going back home and starting over again with nothing at all.
I fear of losing our current happy lifestyle.
I fear - I fear many things…but mostly, not because of being possibly infected of Covid19 but of the changes and the discomfort it may bring into our lives.
I pedalled harder, overwhelmed by all of the fears and releasing it all out in my body instead of my eyes.
I am not used to feeling afraid. I can’t imagine when’s the last time I felt so scared. My parents had never brought us up using fear as a motivation, specifically for obedience. We were never publicly embarrassed, never beaten and never penalised. They reasoned it’s because we were naturally good, respectful and compliant children. But I think they just parent us in way that we turned out to be - simply upright individuals. Now, I don’t know how to manage all these fears…
More than an hour later, I felt hungry and stopped by a mini store to buy some chips. Its at this time when I saw my husband waving and running towards me. Suddenly, I felt loved. Love for this soaked man. His hair was messy, skin was damp and shirt was wet. I can’t imagined how long he had to endure to run and chase me.
Quickly, he grabbed the cheese nachos in my hand. He was obviously starving too. Instantly, I pitied this flat-footed man beside me. He must be very tired. Hence, I now offered the bicycle for his turn. But he refused, “Just take it. It will be hard for you going back. It’s a very long way.”
Despite of my persistent, I did not won. So, I biked slowly for him keep up. We both quietly routed back - with him on my mind. Thinking about this selfless man behind, made me braver and assured that I will not journey in this battle of fear alone. After all, my fears is all in the mind.
Day 9: 15 April 2020, Wednesday
PAINFUL CONFLICTS
I stomp around while I cook breakfast. I got jealous of all the calls my husband had to make early in the morning. On top of that, he sat on his computer to work before having a meal with me. He have lots of work deadlines today. But I suddenly craved for his attention - the ample attention which he gave me since the lockdown was gone. I thought his eyes will be set for me forever during this ‘stay at home’. But I guess that’s not the reality.
I called him multiple times but he was hooked. When he finally sat for a meal, I glared at him for being late. Although, he was used to have his dipping sauce every time he eats, I scolded him when he reached for it, “Why? Is my cooking not delicious?”.
He reasoned back and it goes on as an argument. After a few minutes, I toned down and realised I was just hangry. A hug and a kiss is my sorry afterwards. Then we went on to our busy day.
Archived a small room I used to share with someone.
As we retired in bed at night, we trailed news on our phone and stumbled in the headlines from our country that said, 'nurses deserved more pay than politicians'. Now, they wanted to pay these professionals four times higher. I felt grateful, grateful that at last, people had seen their worth.
Their job wasn’t easy. Surely, it is tedious and I don’t think its fair that they should be looked down as hospital maids. In fact, they are degree holders and had passed a very stiff national licensure exams. These healthcare workers do the tasks that many people don't dare to do. Who likes to see blood squirting out of the body? Or bathing those who just died? Who can bear to clean up a patient after they poop or vomit? Who is courageous enough to take care of other people’s sick relatives? With all of their responsibilities, they cannot even sit or pee. Sometimes, they sacrificed their timely mealtime, sound sleep at night, and holidays with their family.
Being reminded of these, brought back painful memories of ill-treatment when I was working as a nurse. I do shifts - and not just simply shifts - my schedule changes everyday. Like, today I’ll be working in the morning, tomorrow at night and the next day at midnight. I had a whirlwind of sleep. I know nothing about circadian rhythm. In fact, I have few episodes of staying awake for more than 24 hours because my body clock had gone into space. My schedule is erratic and I don’t even have an everyday pattern. Each time I need to sleep in the morning so I can stay awake for my graveyard shift, I got into trouble with my roommates. But I cannot pay a rent to have my own room ‘cause my income cannot compensate. I have no means but to struggle for my own peace and space.
As soon as my husband turned off the lights, I quietly turned my back from him, closed my eyes and tears ran down my face. All the hurtful memories are vivid like a dream.
I remember the time when I struggled myself to sleep during day time and my housemates would always turn off the aircon because they only permit to use it during night time. It was really uncomfortable to soak myself to sleep.
I remember when I wasn’t allowed to go out the dining room for a very late supper, ‘cause they want the lights off after midnight. I would sneak in the kitchen instead.
I remember when I was out with my dying patients from early evening until the next morning. I have to sleep throughout the day but I was served with boisterous chats in the background and was purposely thrown pillows for reasons I can't figure out.
I remember when they made up stories about me and when I confronted them about it, they reasoned that it's because I don't smile every time I arrived from work. If only they knew that I am catering multiple of expired patients everyday.
I remember when I got home very tired from my adrenaline rushed shift, someone kicked me out of the house because I was too tired to help them with house chores.
I remember when a landlord booted me out of the flat because they don’t want someone who can’t synchronised with their work schedule and everyday routine.
I remember when I can’t even go to my sister's birthday party and many other sleepovers because I have to be at work before sunrise.
I remember when I cannot even buy the things and food I like because I only have a penny left from my little income.
I remembered when I was bullied as a nurse because their job is better paid than mine.
I remember when I have to stay late at night because I need to review my nursing notes. I cannot expense a mistake. It may cost other people’s life.
I remember all the patients and their relatives who wailed at me because they wanted to be attended first with only their few scratches.
...
All the aches are still fresh like it was yesterday…despite of all the sacrifices I made, I don’t consider myself a hero - nor a superhero. Lives doesn’t depend on me. There is someone more powerful than me - someone whom I cannot control. I am just this someone who kick my ass to take care of people the way I wanted to be cared of when my own time comes.
More tears rolled down my cheeks. Yet I am crying not because I am sad but because I am thankful. I am thankful because finally, my knight in shining armour rescued me from an uncomfortable lifestyle, rude flatmates, and filthy rooms. In the darkness of our bedroom, I searched for his hand and found it like I had already memorised it where. I squeezed it softly and he responded. Perhaps he knew I was sobbing, perhaps not. But I don't really mind. I felt secured. That is how I was able to fall sleep soundly.
Day 10: 16 April 2020, Thursday
WHAT DO VOLUNTEERS FIGHT FOR?
Few days before the lockdown, I have this intense urge to be worthy and extend help. I just felt grateful that this beautiful country welcomed me to stay. Thus, I wanted to give back. So I spent my morning googling for organisations who do charity works. Unfortunately, most of them doesn’t qualify me.
I used to volunteer way back when I was a teenager in my country. In the organisation which I joined, we focused mainly on giving hope for the unfortunate. Specifically, we feed street children, counsel youth delinquents, help build social welfare chapters, and do health teachings to army medics. They have no other considerations for volunteers, only willingness to do the tasks.
It was my first time to regard volunteer work in this country. I didn’t realised that in here, most of the foundations is not just about having a heart but also being biographically qualified too. Factors like age and visa status are important. Some programs require attendance in skills training. I don’t question it and I respect whatever they had established. I was just surprised because it is apart from what I had experienced and expected.
On my computer, mainly to scour volunteer works.
Nevertheless, after a couple of hours, I found one which I am able to apply and I got a response immediately. Though I was given a few days to think about it, I excitedly said ‘yes’. My task will be to deliver meals to the elderlies who can’t go out to purchase it for themselves. I don’t see any reasons why I should not do it. Furthermore, I decided not to tell anyone about this agenda. I wanted to keep it to myself for personal reflections*.
In the afternoon, I spent some time surveying my social media. I came across a harsh comments of complains and hatred towards foreigners. Although I had mastered to manage my sensitivity against bashing, I still got unconsciously affected.
Slowly after, I decided to take a long shower and as I stood under the pouring water, I asked myself if I really like to care for the frail locals whom its own people might never cared for them anyway. I wanted to reply to those bashers back, “Can you name something you have significantly done to your country rather than hammering the foreign workers?”
Probably joining a military or national service - well, because they have to. If not, will they be more than willing?
Hatred had overpowered my reaction - and I hate it. One spark of hate remark begets another hatred and another hate. Eventually, I see the world revolving with too much hate if no one stood up against it or stop the cycle.
Stepping out of the shower, I’m battling with bitterness. But as I grip the knob to go out the bathroom, I decided to do it not more on for other people but more on for myself. I wanted to make myself rich…rich from what is above and beyond paid work.
In the evening, I realised me and my husband's new routine - reading covid19 related news in bed before retiring to sleep. Although I had polluted myself with negativities from social media trolls this day, I still chose to let my husband share what he got from the internet.
He loudly summarised the news from our country about the volunteer health workers who are being forced to sign a waiver stating that the hospital will not be liable of them when they get sick.
“What? I don’t understand?”, I was indignant. “That people gave without anything in return. At least their welfare should be taken care of", I added. They spend nothing for these people and gained something yet they refused to be answerable. If they don’t want to be held responsible for these people, why should they accept the help that these workers offer? Don't you think they are exploiting their free services?”, I was upset throwing that questions to my husband. Afterwards, we had an interesting discussion.
As soon as we quieted down, I turned away from my husband and closed my eyes...
Maybe, maybe that is what volunteering is all about. It is unconditional and it expect nothing in return. Sometimes it may hurt and many times it is challenging. It takes too much heart to put yourself out there and guts to take everything all in.
Now I am asking myself again, ‘Do I really want to volunteer?’
*However, after holding back numerous times, I decided to publish this to give light to what actually battles a volunteer to have a brave heart and step forward.
Day 11: 17 April 2020, Saturday
MILLIONAIRE'S NOOK
I love reading and I considered it my precious alone time in a day. It’s one of my hard to kill habit. If I wasn’t reading for days, account me in a personal turmoil. Reading was always - always a part of my ‘self pick-up’. Indeed, just a trip to the library by myself is enough to make my day.
In fact, after the Minister announced the circuit breaker, the first thing I did was to run to the library and borrowed books to keep me sane for the whole month. If only I could carry much weight, I would stuck up more and the rain was pouring heavily too.
Every time, after breakfast, I routinely take a book, a cup of tea and a vitamin D. The sun rises at our living room window and it is there that I constantly sat in a built-in sofa. I call it my contemplation space - my nook, somewhere I can relax, breath fresh air and have some deep thoughts about everything.
My daily read of this book inspired me to be on my nook most of the time.
Months before the lockdown, my sister visited us for the first time. Mindlessly, she marched straight and perched at the spot. Seconds after, she said that the space was very inviting for meditation. I looked at her and saw her eyes went far like she was lost in an orbit. When I snapped in her face to make her come back to her senses, she asked me for a cold strawberry juice. I obediently gave her a glass topped with a fresh slice. Yet, instead of saying thank you, she sipped my proudly made concoction and remarked, “Wow! I felt like a millionaire sitting here”.
We just burst into an uncontrollable laughter.
Today, I sat at the nook and started with an interior designing book. Usually, when I hold an ID book, I just scan and admire the lovely photos. Because mostly, its pages are a showcase of house design samples that is more pleasant to the eyes. But this time, I promised to read on and learn something from it especially this ‘stay at home’ season.
Afterwards, I got inspired by the author and so I spend the rest of my day reorganising our cabinet knick-knacks. In fact, one of my mini achievement this day is to finally get rid of the sticker stains on my nook's white vinyl backrest. Our flat was previously occupied by a couple who do a stick-on business and everywhere I find blotches of it which is unattractive. Despite of my vigorous effort and several attempts to remove the it with soap and water, I gave up a few months ago. But today, I discovered a brilliant way of getting rid of it by using a body oil. I felt satisfied when I finally scraped it off cleanly.
When the afternoon came, I positioned myself at the nook once again to take a peek of the outside world. Right after, I noticed a line of tiny red ants. They are parading from the outside window to a sprinkle of pink salt which I spilled this morning for my boiled egg.
I squealed to my husband, “How come these ants are feasting over a salt when all along they like sweets?".
“They must be very hungry already. Like ravenous people, they can’t be choosy anymore. Maybe they’re desperate finding food outside. You know, there are almost no activities from humans”, he witted.
I just shrugged my shoulders and moved on the rest of the day.
When sun downed, again, I settled at my favourite spot which I now called, millionaire’s nook, after that delightful moment with my sister. Few minutes after, I was greeted with my tiny and scary visitor.
Clap, clap, clap!
Yelp.
Later on, my husband joined me. Clap!
“Did you got him?”
“Yes.”
“Is he bloody?”
“No.”
“Well, that means he hadn’t taken his meal yet. He decided to crash inside our house after being frantic of not finding a prey outside”, I humoured back.
“How pitiful. This lockdown had been a crisis for the mosquitos and other insects as well. Do we have to be charitable to them since we are a millionaire?".
...and there was non-stop clapping and laughter ever after.
Day 12: 18 April 2020, Sunday
JUST GOT OLDER A DAY
I woke up with a clear dream about my mother. She had past a away not more than a couple of years ago. But I always see her in my sleep more than I used to when she was alive.
Because of my vivid dream, I quickly messaged all of my siblings, my dad and my nieces. I just felt the urge of connecting to them and letting them know I love them. Telling the people closest to me how much they are dear to me is one of the many things I gave value since my mom had passed away.
I spent most of my morning having a long breakfast while I chat with them about how the lockdown had affected our daily lifestyle and budget. Furthermore, we talked about politics, health and future travel plans. We exchanged ample of live photos too. It felt cosy reaching out to them.
Chatted with my sister while they are having a mini picnic.
As with my husband, he was as usual busy rushing for his final report for a Monday meeting. Fortunately, we were able to go out in the evening for some groceries and take-away dinner.
I had a chicken rice meal while he ordered an ikan bilis* fried rice. We also bought our ‘happy food’, a mango prata topped with a scoop of vanilla ice cream. Each end of the week, we see to it to buy our ‘happy food’. Basically, its a food that makes us happy. But, it is something that isn't good for us, mainly because it is sugary or fatty. We just thought that we cannot deprive ourselves with foods that make us happy regardless whether it is healthy or not. So, at least once a week we treat ourselves with it. We manage our happy food guilt by sharing. In that way, it only not make us blissful but it controls our bad food intake.
While we are walking home, my husband asked me, “This ‘stay home’ feels like we are living in the province. If this will be the new normal, would you like it?”
I answered, “Yes”.
Yes, because I feel more rested and calmer. The vibe is much peaceful and quiet. It is less irritating from all the fussy people who rush to get home or to do their own thing. The hustle and bustle of city life had gone.
My husband and I used to argue where to retire. I voted to settle down in the city. Aside from the fact that it is where I was brought up, I perceived it as full of life. It own lots of interesting finds and everything we need is accessible. I hate to imagine myself being isolated from that kind of civilisation.
But my husband grew up in the province. Of course, he voted for a tranquil life in a land closer to nature and where going out of the house is a special treat. He wanted to enjoy his old age with only the basics of daily living. Eagerly, he also aimed to do something environmentally attached like farming and gardening.
However this time, with this ‘stay home’ state, I guess I agree with him. Perhaps I’m getting old that’s why my preferences are shifting. So I just asked him, “Do I look like I’m getting old?”
“We all get older a day. But its a choice.”
*dried anchovy
Day 13: 19 April 2020, Monday
MEMORIES WITH MY EX-BOYFRIEND
Me and my husband likes collecting pictures.In fact, we have a high capacity external drive to store everything. We planned to someday print it out but it cost too much time to sort it. Finally, this was the best period to do the screening.
While my husband is working beside me, I begun to delete invaluable shots starting from the 90’s. Before noon, I managed to get through the year when I first met my ex-boyfriend. It rekindled lots of delightful memories.
Every now and then, I showed the captures to my husband. We both laugh so hard remembering the first time we dated. While we teased each other, we asked questions like, “What do feel during that time?”, “Do you really think I’m pretty/ handsome?”, “Why did you do that?”, “Why did you wear those?”, and so on…
I also got to the moment when I went to his pad and suffered a severe allergic reaction after I attended his rooftop garden. I’m glad we have a shot while he was taking care of me. We were also reminded during the time when he used to always visit me at my parent’s house. His favourite activity there was to play with our dogs.
Where I first dated my ex-boyfriend.
Hundreds of hundreds of photos released our happy hormones like when we had a picnic at the grandstand field as part of our national independence day celebration. We stayed there until midnight talking about our future plans. We also have pictures when we graced an extravagant children’s party at the poolside. We tried to be wacky with our faces and the elders were amused.
Though most of our captures were joyful remembrance, in reality, we also encountered challenges and disagreements such as, having a different faith in religion, family background, choice of friends, occupational status and even household taste. What’s more, we also have messy fights and uncontrollable emotional explosions. We sometimes gave in in hurting each other’s feelings and ego. There were as well many times when we found ourselves struggling because of the people who tried to wreck us apart.
Certainly, we are not totally OK with each other’s opinions, preferences and beliefs. But through the years, we learned and managed to toughly overcome our disputes with compromises, understanding and tolerance. We realised that whatever the people or the situation had thrown us actually didn’t matter much than what we strongly have for each other, and that is: LOVE.
After all, love is what binds us. It is what motivated us to fight and work hard for what we both have - each other. In which we believed, it was God who gave each to us.
Moving on, I showed him succeeding dating photos. Instantly, he stood up with a comical face while he wiggles his knees and shake his hands in an attempt to be funny and to tease me until I turned red. We again roared in laughter like we were the only people in the world.
I matched him up by tickling him in the belly and displaying some of our wedding photos. Again, there were laughters. Next, came thousands of travel photos and we wowed in appreciation while we looked back.
As we end our day, we realised that this lockdown was actually our longest time together without separating in weeks. I smiled back with gratefulness - grateful for my decision of making my ex-boyfriend by marrying him. It was indeed the best leap of faith I ever made. I had proven to my self that my choice was after all, right.
Day 14: 20 April 2020, Tuesday
TOMORROW IS NEVER PROMISED
Bougainvillea along the neighbourhood.
During our afternoon break, we sat by the window and shared our dreams of building our beautiful house when we retire. We are looking forward too into having our own space for 'me time'. That means we need at least an extra room for each of us.
“I’d like to have my own library and art room with a girly theme wall paper. It doesn’t need to be huge, but stylish”, I emphasised.
“Sure, while I like to have my own experiment room”, my husband fantasised.
“Also, I’d like to have a huge closet. Please give me the tea area and the kitchen to style too. The master bathroom and the dining room will be yours to conceptualise including the backyard, garage and garden as well. While the living room, bedroom and the rest will be for both of us", I delegated.
“I’d like it to be mostly wood, like a country style house and with a touch of an industrial look. I also want to have minimal stuffs, something that is clean, neat and restful in the eyes. However, I want my own space to be colourful and bright, like an impression of mix maximalist and boho. Additionally, I wanted a victorian cottage style tea room...", I went on.
Truly, a house represent the people living in it. Fortunately, he agreed to everything I imagined even if the partitions doesn’t go along well with each other. My husband and I have the same taste in interiors. What we just always find hard to agree is the location. He liked it to be situated near where his family lives, and so am I. We both came from a different city, far from each other. No matter what, I am hoping that someday, one of us will sacrifice. But as for me, I’m not yet there.
Although we always have this daydreaming time together, we always ended it up by being realistic. We forecasted and calculated our time, money and resources.
When evening came, we decided to go for a biking and jogging exercise. We chose to cycle along the neighbourhood’s narrow street because social distancing is easier than in the park.
Before the lockdown, one of our favourite past time at night is to walk along the neighbourhood while appreciating all the gorgeous houses and wondering what it feels like to live in theirs.
One time, our housemate went along with us and asked, “Why don’t you buy your own house here in Singapore?”.
Well, aside from the fact that we are not qualified to buy the cheapest government housing, it is also unwise for us to purchase an expensive private property. Although, many had reasoned that we can make it as an investment and sell it someday, we refused to be financially tied up.
We continued walking along and admiring streets of beautiful abodes while pressing on our dream to someday built ours back home.
Back to our house, we rested for a few minutes. It was then when we grasp the news that the Prime Minister will again address the nation about the Covid19 situation.
While we anticipate for the speech, I bathe and we had dinner. Promptly after, I decided to open the box full of our household stuffs which we reserved for our future house.
“What are you going to do with that?”, my husband was perplexed.
“I wanted to display and use all these things.”
“I thought we were saving that for our dream house”, he was bewildered.
“Well, let’s not be too tight and hoard too much for future use. Today is already the future of yesterday. If it’s not going to be now, then, when will it be? I realised that we need to enjoy the things that make us happy while we are still alive. We need to live in the ‘now’...because tomorrow is never promised”.