The Night My Boyfriend Asked Me To Sleep With Him

I am used to sleepovers and pajama parties. Almost every month, I was invited by friends. In fact, the earliest sleepover I can remember without my parents was when I was 3 or 4 years old. Mom’s friend next door, whom I fondly call Tita (Filipino term for Aunt) Nimfa, was desperate in having a child. She was married for many years with her husband yet was not given a chance of having one. She adores me so she constantly borrow me from my parents to play ‘mother’ to me. She gave me toys, bought me colourful bags, and snapped many photos of me. One night, she finally asked my parents if I can sleepover with them. Mom & Dad agreed and that one night was followed by another, then another…

I can’t exactly recall every detail of my sleepovers with Tita Nimfa, but I knew it made me feel special like having two sets of parents. When I grew up as a teenager, family friends and relatives never lost their fondness of inviting me to live with them for a while. In fact, I can tag myself as someone who was always borrowed for a night or longer. The last instance before I had my first boyfriend was when my mom’s best friend, Yolly, asked her a favour to let me accompany her for a night ‘cause she was too lonely after her husband had divorced her. I gladly spent few nights to keep her company. I slept in separate room, she let me use her perfumes and jewelries, showed me her wedding pictures, and fed me a good breakfast. I was also sent back home with lots of fruits and gourmet hams.

Indeed, I can confidently say that I am my parents child whom was always taken for a sleepover. I don't know why this had always been the case. In fact, every time my own friends asked me to join a Pajama party, I don’t have to convince my parents to allow me. They just freely let me unlike with the rest of my siblings.

When I was a teenager, sleepovers with friends became regular. There were also times when I slept over with both the guys and the gals my age in one house. However, we always see to it that the gentlemen slept in separate room while us, ladies, are having our own girl’s time.

When I reached early twenties, I had my first boyfriend and since then my perception of sleepovers had changed. I remember the first time he invited me to their family’s Halloween dinner party. He was set to drive me back before 9 PM. However, the conversations got more interesting than expected. We only noticed that it was past midnight when the pack one-by-one declared sleepiness and retired themselves in their bedroom. He lived 3 hours drive from my home, so going back was such a tedious journey. So even if spending the entire night at his place with his whole family is totally unplanned and that I am holding back inside, I agreed to sleepover.

Soon after, me and my boyfriend were left alone to do the housekeeping. As soon as we were finished washing the dishes, he popped up a request of letting me seize the night at his room instead of sleeping apart. The minute that he asked me that, time stopped for like years while I look at him straight in the eyes. Lots of questions and doubts came to my mind. I started to question my values. I should say that my morals had been challenged.

‘Why will I?’,

‘Is it really OK?’,

‘What are his real intentions?’,

‘Did he did all of these trap purposely?’,

‘What if something will happen between us?, Am I really ready?’,

’What will his parents think of me? - and my parents too?’…

Turned out that that was one of the hardest decision I had to make. Will I say yes or will I just zoom out the door and never mind if I’ll be safe or not? I was really really confused.

What I Learned Over A Table Of Vietnamese Food

It was my birthday on a Thursday, and because it fell on a weekday, everybody was busy at work to celebrate with me, except for one. Luckily, I was granted a day off, so I invited her for lunch.

My sister had recommended me a Vietnamese restaurant that served delicious food. I decided to try it on my special day.

At the restaurant, we just sat quietly while waiting for our ordered beef pho and fresh spring rolls. It took a while before we sipped our first spoon of soup. Perhaps, the sip had warmed us together because it was then when we started to utter our first meaningful words to each other.

In front of me was a retired cashier, married and had raised six daughters consecutively. Her children’s age gap is just a year away from each other.

“Wonderful!”, I exclaimed. “I think its nice to have five pretty sisters who are almost my same age. It’s like I have ample of best friends”.

But while she was clasping the chopsticks for her noodles she kept on complaining that her children often quarrel with each other, “No. Its never fun. It’s really difficult. Everyday, I need to deal with a fight between them”.

She then grumbled and added, “Karen is good in cooking - she likes to cook pho, like this one”. She tossed her noodles hard and whine more, “Yasmin is a bad cook and Nana is terrible in everything. She does nothing but watch TV and wait for dinner. Carmen is the most diligent, but she usually cook for herself alone”, she said.

“Nita is the only one who knows how to bake. But she needs to improve on it. Whereas, Irene is a big eater. She only sit on the table and grab everything. She doesn’t even help in cleaning the dishes afterwards”, she nags - and nags, and nags like there is no tomorrow...

When she finally kept quiet, I just responded with a nod. It took me sometime to compose a question. I made sure I am not being offensive, “So, how do you handle them?”

“Well, I have to tell them how they are and what I observed from them each time we eat together. And I need to emphasise it to them over and over again”, she answered.

Soon, there was an uncomfortable silence. While I gulp my last spoon of soup, I realised why her children often quarrel.

Insight 1: Never compare or criticise your children in front of each other and even in front of other people.

I took my first piece of fresh spring roll. It was full of flavour at first bite. Thinking of an ice breaker, I offered her to taste a piece. As she took a nibble I said, “I believe each of them have different interest”. I then dipped another roll in a sauce.

“Huh! I kept on pushing Nana to quickly improve in Math. She is the most stupid one. I kept on telling them how excellent Carmen and Karen in all their subjects. Everyone must hustle up to be like her”, she said with so much indignant.

“Irene learns very slowly. I often need to show to her how well her two sisters are doing. While Nita is the average one. I want her to have honours too. But she always frustrates me”, she goes on.

“Yasmin is also good in Math but I kept on telling her how better are her siblings when it comes to Science. She must speed up”, she sigh.

I looked at her in the eyes. I can see too much displeasure. I signalled her to get the last piece of roll and she did. Soon after, there was again an uneasy silence while we wait for the waiter to bring us our bill. Then, I found myself in deep thoughts.

Insight 2: Do not let your children compete with each other. They have their own strengths and weaknesses. They have their own uniqueness.

If I will put myself into her daughter’s shoes, I don’t think I will like to go home in an environment where I should always be the best to please her. I believe I won’t be happy staying with a family where my capabilities and phase are not understood and encouraged. I may also be in constant dispute with my sisters if I am pressured to be better than them.

Competition between siblings may be spoilt by parents. Thus, becoming unhealthy and could take some toll in the relationship. It may resent the other, made the one ungrateful, or envy one another.

Soon after I settled the bills, we moved out the restaurant quietly. It was not the most pleasurable birthday conversation I had but I am thankful to learn something from it while I prepare for what I believe the most challenging job in the world - raising children.

What Is Infatuation?

(And How It Is Different From Love)

Often times, especially as teenagers, it is so hard for us to identify what we were really feeling for the opposite sex (or to others - for the same gender). Many would argue that they truly love the person. Others, would say they are just infatuated. Regardless how complex these emotions are, they are both a powerful and intense. It often left us confused or question it.

Here’s how to really know if we are just infatuated with someone:

INFATUATION is an extravagantly fleeting or short-lived and extreme passion or admiration for someone. It is often based on our own vision, speculation and ideals about the other person. Thus, forming an unrealistic view of the one we desire.

According to Berit Brogaard in her book “On Romantic Love”, for instance, when we unexpectedly bump into him or her, our brain may release a surge of hormones, one of it is dopamine. This hormone may cause us to form a belief that are not grounded in evidence. Therefore, it made us feel and think irrationally about that person and our emotions. Also, our emotional response does not fit to our perceived person of interest. But despite of it, we believed that our point of view is perfectly reasonable. Basically, when we are infatuated our brain chemistry controls us instead of our heart.

In addition, in Robert Greene's book, The Laws of Human Nature, it described that when we are infatuated, we experienced emotions like fears and insecurities that are greatly exaggerated. We felt terrorised with the thought of being abandoned. We may also have wild mood swings.

Normally, the phenomenon is that, we mistake in seeing the narcissist as genius, the suffocator as nurturer, the slacker for the exciting rebel, the control freak for the protector. While Others can see the truth and try to disabuse us of our fantasies, we don’t listen. What is worse is that, we often continue to make the same types of mistaken judgements again and again.

Therefore, being infatuated is a noxious and foolish desire. Anxiety, nervousness, urgency, intensity, risky decisions and abandonment of interest and people who used to be valuable to us, are experienced while we are infatuated. It usually happened at the start of the relationship when our aim is to make a satisfying commitment with that person so we can cater our overwhelming lust to the point of taking a huge risk. We lose ability to make smart decisions because our mind is only set to the goal of being with that person.

Infatuation is often misinterpreted as real love. But in contrast, real LOVE is a strong feeling of intense and deep affection that last the test of time. It is always gentle, patient, and kind. It sees and accepts the real person - flaws and all. It cares not for own's feelings and welfare but of the other. It is more careful and responsible. Indeed, it creates an environment that is safe and conducive for growth.

To overview infatuation, this is how it is different from love:

YOU ARE INFATUATED YOU LOVE THE PERSON

Short-lived Feelings last

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You are unrealistic You are realistic

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They seem high above you You truly have an equal partnership

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You are focused on what you want Their happiness is important

out from them and the relationship

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You think they are perfect Accepts them flaws and all

---

Crazy or irrational behaviour Open and honest

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You can't wait to take the next step You are willing to wait for them

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You feel like you know everything about them You know that the grass isn't greener

(and actually know nothing) elsewhere

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You've suddenly lost interest You're suddenly open to try new things

on your previous activities

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You feel like you just won lottery You don't let emotions get the best of you

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You get really jealous You are freeing

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You obsess over them leaving you Dsitance only makes your relationship stronger

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You are creating a ton of drama Your fights are always productive not

in your relationship destructive

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You are in love with superficial things With them, its different

SOURCES & REFERENCES:

Berit Brogaard, On Romantic Love (New York, U.S.A.,2015), 19 & 74.

Robert Greene, The Laws of Human Nature (New York, U.S.A., 2018), 334.

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