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Heartbreak on a Wedding

Updated: Aug 31, 2020

The Man I wanted to Marry - My Father Continued…


PART 2


It was drizzling as I woke up. I wanted to go out to purchase something in the mall before the heavy rain pours. So, I hurried for my 'wake-up' routine. Few minutes later, I went downstairs and I saw an envelope at the dining table - the family was invited for my cousin’s wedding. Yeehaw!


A couple of months after, we were all dressed up for the event. I wore pink and glittery silk dress and a black stiletto with pink roses. Dad, wore the traditional barong and black slacks as compliance to the dress code. While mom, was - oh so beautiful with her pink cape and chiffon dress. She looks dropped-dead glorious.

The overlay was laid from the outside of the chapel to make the bridal walk a little bit longer.


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It was a sunny afternoon in a golf and country club chapel. And like many, the bride was fashionably late. While waiting for her arrival, guests were directed outside the chapel lawn to witness her walk. I positioned myself under the shade of lanterned trees. On my feet was the edge of the red carpet. The overlay was laid from the outside of the chapel to make the bridal walk a little bit longer. Dad had joined me while I am in deep thought.

I tried hard to be faithful

with my promises.

Yet now, I can’t help myself

not to break his heart.

_________



I occasionally glance at his face and noticed the glare of the sunlight on his forehead. Dad’s lines are more prominent now. Many things must have changed after many years. I was dismayed and confused. How can I let him know that I wanted to marry him? - someone exactly like him?, his mirror?


But now that I am an adult, some matters shifted. I tried hard to be faithful with my promises of marrying Dad - someone precisely like him. Yet now, I can’t help myself not to break his heart.


As years gone by, I became much more attracted to Mom instead. Lately, I was so drawn to a man who is my mom’s male version, a man who is perfectly like her. A man I passionately wanted to be with for the rest of my life.


An hour after the ceremony, the reception was held. We were seated right in front of the three-tier cake. Adjacent to it is where the bride’s father took her newly wed daughter for a special dance. As usual, I find it too sentimental. How can electra complex be reliable?


Electra complex, by the way, is a girl’s psychosexual competition with her mother for possession of her father. According to Neo-Freudian’s Carl Jung, it occurs at the age of 3-6*. This is where the fancied, ‘Daddy’s (little) Girl’ came from.


Many psychologist commonly refer to Carl Jung’s theory on our unconscious choice of spouse. I don’t disagree with them. However, it is not often the case.


In my situation, I was cast to have deep admiration with someone who is more influential between my parents, and that is my Mom. And since I am entirely my Dad’s genes, I grew to also be totally enticed with a partner who is completely the opposite of me. Just as Dad desired Mom, I fancy her too - someone who is completely like her.

TRIVIA: A gumamela flower (family of hibiscus) means 'Daddy's Girl'.



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The Man I Wanted To Marry - My Father

Updated: Aug 31, 2020

Part 1


Mom had always been dominant than my Dad. She is a couple of years older, two inches taller and twenty pounds heavier. Emotionally, she is always present and an active disciplinarian. Above all, she was our bread winner.


Dad, on the other hand, was a passive person. He is often quiet, skeptical and careful. My parents are completely the opposite. Even though they are, they managed to compliment and worked their marriage for 40 years.


More than half of my Mom’s life, she was a labouring - like she was 7. She retired 10 years ago. While my Dad, jobless for many years. This situation had given Mom little time at home and Dad was, well - always around. His availability made me knew I wanted to marry him someday.


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so we decided to share a scoopful

of artisan rocky road ice cream

underneath the Japanese umbrella table.


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I can’t help myself anymore,

so I utter the words,

“Dad, I already want to get married.”




Many years had passed and the right time came. One day, I invited him for a dinner date. We had Vietnamese food until its already dark outside. Yet, we refused to go home so we decided to share a scoopful of artisan rocky road ice cream underneath the Japanese umbrella table. I had composed my declaration of love few days ago. Still, the ice cream was melting, waiting for me to utter it out. I tried to catch his attention as he uncomfortably make glances to the passersby. And when I finally get the urge to speak, I held on tight to the cup and looked him in the eyes with so much adoration just like back in the days, when I was his ‘little daddy’s girl’. Soon after, I can’t help myself anymore, so I utter the words, “Dad, I already want to get married.” There I go, I blurted it out and for reasons I don’t know why, I hated myself for a while. Good thing, I got an ‘OK’ reply. My dad was very good in keeping his feelings. Minutes later, he signalled for a way home.


We had a long jammed journey from the city to our home, and we we’re both speechless. As we were sitting at the far end of the coach, many things are going on in my mind. Im trying to remember as to when my fascination with my dad started but memories are blurry. Perhaps the picture was archived into my unconsciousness.


As soon as we arrived home, mom was obviously waiting for our return. She marched to their bedroom and Dad followed. I was left alone, slowly, directing myself into mine. I retired in bed gazing at the picture frame of my 4 years old self in pig tails, biting my nails and sitting in Dad's lap. That is when I felt tired and I tried myself to sleep. But hours later, I still found myself wide awake, tossing and turning in bed. I’m torn between mom and dad. How can I tell Dad that I wanted to marry him?


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