- Tina Pascual
- Jan 14, 2021
- 3 min read
It was my birthday on a Thursday, and because it fell on a weekday, everybody was busy at work to celebrate with me, except for one. Luckily, I was granted a day off, so I invited her for lunch.
My sister had recommended me a Vietnamese restaurant that served delicious food. I decided to try it on my special day.
At the restaurant, we just sat quietly while waiting for our ordered beef pho and fresh spring rolls. It took a while before we sipped our first spoon of soup. Perhaps, the sip had warmed us together because it was then when we started to utter our first meaningful words to each other.
In front of me was a retired cashier, married and had raised six daughters consecutively. Her children’s age gap is just a year away from each other.
“Wonderful!”, I exclaimed. “I think its nice to have five pretty sisters who are almost my same age. It’s like I have ample of best friends”.
But while she was clasping the chopsticks for her noodles she kept on complaining that her children often quarrel with each other, “No. Its never fun. It’s really difficult. Everyday, I need to deal with a fight between them”.
She then grumbled and added, “Karen is good in cooking - she likes to cook pho, like this one”. She tossed her noodles hard and whine more, “Yasmin is a bad cook and Nana is terrible in everything. She does nothing but watch TV and wait for dinner. Carmen is the most diligent, but she usually cook for herself alone”, she said.
“Nita is the only one who knows how to bake. But she needs to improve on it. Whereas, Irene is a big eater. She only sit on the table and grab everything. She doesn’t even help in cleaning the dishes afterwards”, she nags - and nags, and nags like there is no tomorrow...
When she finally kept quiet, I just responded with a nod. It took me sometime to compose a question. I made sure I am not being offensive, “So, how do you handle them?”
“Well, I have to tell them how they are and what I observed from them each time we eat together. And I need to emphasise it to them over and over again”, she answered.
Soon, there was an uncomfortable silence. While I gulp my last spoon of soup, I realised why her children often quarrel.
Insight 1: Never compare or criticise your children in front of each other and even in front of other people.
I took my first piece of fresh spring roll. It was full of flavour at first bite. Thinking of an ice breaker, I offered her to taste a piece. As she took a nibble I said, “I believe each of them have different interest”. I then dipped another roll in a sauce.
“Huh! I kept on pushing Nana to quickly improve in Math. She is the most stupid one. I kept on telling them how excellent Carmen and Karen in all their subjects. Everyone must hustle up to be like her”, she said with so much indignant.
“Irene learns very slowly. I often need to show to her how well her two sisters are doing. While Nita is the average one. I want her to have honours too. But she always frustrates me”, she goes on.
“Yasmin is also good in Math but I kept on telling her how better are her siblings when it comes to Science. She must speed up”, she sigh.
I looked at her in the eyes. I can see too much displeasure. I signalled her to get the last piece of roll and she did. Soon after, there was again an uneasy silence while we wait for the waiter to bring us our bill. Then, I found myself in deep thoughts.
Insight 2: Do not let your children compete with each other. They have their own strengths and weaknesses. They have their own uniqueness.
If I will put myself into her daughter’s shoes, I don’t think I will like to go home in an environment where I should always be the best to please her. I believe I won’t be happy staying with a family where my capabilities and phase are not understood and encouraged. I may also be in constant dispute with my sisters if I am pressured to be better than them.
Competition between siblings may be spoilt by parents. Thus, becoming unhealthy and could take some toll in the relationship. It may resent the other, made the one ungrateful, or envy one another.
Soon after I settled the bills, we moved out the restaurant quietly. It was not the most pleasurable birthday conversation I had but I am thankful to learn something from it while I prepare for what I believe the most challenging job in the world - raising children.