- Tina Pascual
- Apr 14, 2019
- 4 min read
Updated: Aug 31, 2020
What I hate about having my period is the cycle of tough Severe PMS or PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder) which I have to go through every time.
August 6, 2007
Suddenly, I found myself staring at the ceiling and unable to move after a long hours of sleep. Its not that I am having a stroke attack but I’m just unwilling to shift. It was still dawn and dusky so I kept myself busy listening to the tick-tock of the clock.
As the sunlight peeked to my curtained window, I knew I am already late for my due outdoor sunrise leadership meeting. After a few more minutes of tick-tock, I managed to reach and scan my organiser. My schedule is jam-packed for today and it has always been ‘cause I enjoyed being occupied with so much university’s activities. I should say that I am an active principal or participant of various organisations.
My planner is full of meetings, trainings, seminars, practices, fund raisings, art performances and simply supporting my friends and schoolmates with their affairs. Yet, this moment, I crossed out all my commitments for today, then for tomorrow, then for the next few weeks and then everything written on it.
Afterwards, I checked my phone. It has numerous of unanswered calls and messages. But I care not. How easy it is to press the off button and snooze myself back to sleep.
August 8, 2007
I woke up for like years of dozing. But I am still too heavy to lift my self up even for a good hygiene. I haven’t took a bath, change clothes and brushed teeth since the missed outdoor sunrise leadership meeting. I knew if somebody will enter my room anytime, they will definitely complain that it stinks. Again, I care not.
I lose interest in taking care of myself. I’m only attuned in repeating everything I did since August 6. That is, sleep - sleep the whole day and stare at the ceiling. From time to time, I reached for my potato chips and chocolates at bedside - and that’s it. That’s it.
August 9, 2007
Mom kept on bugging me of eating proper meals with the whole family on the table. I haven’t joined them for almost a week now and they were worried. Even so, I tried my best to refuse and say I have my favourite food with me in the room. And the food I liked devouring in the past few days are a spread of snacks and junks. I munch it when I wanted to.
Some nights I would force myself to march at a convenience store to supply myself. I would buy for imported and local chocolate coated biscuits, pretty cupcakes, cheesy flavoured chips and ice cold light beer. They are my menu. Surprisingly, I don’t feel hungry with only nibbles at hand. Also, “No, I’m not hungry!”, is my food refusal statement to everybody - and really I am. Perhaps my depression is too much to bear than hunger pangs.
August 10, 2007
I quarrelled with my sick mom. She was lying down all day in her bed when she called me to hand her additional pillows and I flared up. I am overwhelmed with all the unexplained emotions I am feeling. Perhaps I am irritated that she instantly cannot do the little things for herself. Or maybe I am too disappointed to know that she was ill. Possibly, I’m also worried for her.
Nevertheless, for whatever reason I may have, I can’t control not having some emotional outburst and not throwing all the hurtful words towards her. After all my drama, I tramp with a heavy feet on the stairs going way up my bedroom. As soon as I gripped the door knob, I closed the door by banging it so hard. It caused my picture frame on the wall to slide down the floor and broke. I just stared on it.
February 20, 2019
I am punching our bedroom wall out of my outrange with my husband. I am pushing him for a favour of helping me wash the dishes. He pointed out that I could at least asked him in a nice way. He kept on reminding me that again, I am transforming into a dragon ready to attack anyone who will go inside the house.
I felt tired to do the chores and was exceedingly angry. I knew I am having emotional blow-up again and I can’t control it. I slammed the bedroom door and locked it. My intention is to sleep away from him and I succeeded. So I watched local dramas over my phone and cried myself to sleep.
February 23, 2019
I woke, went to the bathroom and looked myself in the mirror. My hair is in a messy bun and my eyes are puffy from senseless crying all night. I haven’t changed my nightie as I haven’t showered for 3 days now.
I’m starving but I don’t have the energy and appetite to prepare meals. However, I knew I needed to eat. Gladness came to me after realising that I have a phone app to just have a press away and order some sugary and fatty foods to binge for another day of repeating the same thing.
February 24, 2019
I slowly picked my filthy clothes on the floor and folded them neatly before putting them on the laundry basket. I am all set for my housewife’s errands. I felt better now that I have to buy sanitary napkins for my few days of red flows. Yes, I am having my menses so I am back to my normal self and I’m happy about it. What I hate about having my period is the cycle of tough Severe PMS or PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder) which I have to go through every time. I felt helpless each time and it sends warning for a relationship breakdown. Also, I was indignant that it took me more than 10 years to realise that I have this kind of disorder. I was suffering over and over again, without knowing that I actually have hormonal problems that needs medical attention. This have to be dealt seriously. So today, I decided to talk it over and plan for my ob-gyn visit to get the right management that I needed.
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