- Tina Pascual
- May 29, 2019
- 4 min read
Updated: Aug 31, 2020
I found my self roaming aimlessly and non-stop for 5 hours around a huge mall. Its like Im going crazy and I don’t know why. Everything seems so unbearable despite all the little work goals I had achieved. When I finally felt hungry, I stoped for a while and sat down like Im going to fall apart. I don’t know what I want and what I don’t. I find it hard to decide where to eat and if I still like to eat. So I walk again until it was night time - that is another 2 hours.
With all the echoes ringing in my head - all the laughters and cheers I visualise out in every corner that I see, I wanted to drop into pieces. When I look ahead I saw me and my mother eating at our favourite French restaurant and talking about our dream destinations. I can hear her sound of hope and excitement. We were really specific with timeline, like travelling to Thailand in two years time. So, I knew it should be today.
I went right from me and there was a picture of my family. We were giggling and loud because after a few years, my brother arrived straight from Dubai airport with a beautiful wife and adorable baby daughter. We were all present this time so we decided to have a costumed family photo. As soon as we claimed it, we are all arguing as to where we should hang it in the house.
As my heart crushed into fragments, I stepped left of me and move on. But I only thought I was carrying on ‘cause I remember, I remember the sight of my parents looking at the endless sea - happy and contented. We had the shortest conversation for like forever. We talk about the beauty of the sun, the steak that we just ate, the story of the dress I am wearing, the last vacation we had in Indonesia and so on.
When I dropped myself for a few minutes to buy my favourite ice cream milkshake, I recollected the time when me and my mom had a bad tiring day. She just accompanied me to settle my stressful upcoming wedding as the planner is currently in Singapore with another client. We sat down in a colourful girly shop and drank our milkshake. She doesn’t like sweets and fats but I don’t know how I made her drink. Perhaps its her way of telling me she is with me in all of my pressure. We sat there until we were again chuckling. And for a few seconds, I had catch a glimpse of love in her eyes. And oh, how I admire the woman in front of me.
With that portrait in my mind, I walked back and I was stuck, stuck in the moment when I dozed myself to sleep while watching a boring biography movie of a famous politician in America. Each beside me was my sister and mom - enjoying the film up to its end. We went out of the theatre, them jeering at me. We then cross the road to view the giant wheel and bought flavoured popcorn. We burst into laughter ‘cause we did pop it into our mouth not while watching a movie but after.
Around 7 o’clock in the evening, I grew really really tired. I sat by the entrance fountain and I’m thankful to the large busy crowd, passing here and there like I am invisible. Although I seem unnoticeable, I’m glad of the warmth the masses brought around. It made me validate my existence.
But then again, I tried to walk fast and faster than I could. But it seems that all the images in my head is insanely haunting me. I wanted to run away and hide from this unfathomable and heavy grief that I feel. It made me want to explode and breakdown.
When I passed by my favourite bookstore, I find hope. Indeed, it is my favourite and solitary place in the mall. It is somewhere I feel relaxed. I always went out in this shop calm and glad even without a purchased book. But this time, though with a timely read on hand, I failed. I went out of the bookstore and looked back with a sad smile. I realised that buying books which used to make me feel good after a frustrated day - or worst day, doesn’t made me feel the same way anymore. The pain and ache I currently feel are still unbreakable. How can this be when I just thought I had already drained up all the tears?
We just had mom’s inurnment yesterday. And that is after months of keeping her at home. I thought I had moved on already but this place - this mall - an enormous mall - our favourite mall - a mall full of ‘made in China’ - a mall where mom’s eyes twinkle each time she asked us to drive here - are memories not made in China but engraved in my heart - overflowing with love and her.
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