- Tina Pascual
- Jul 6, 2020
- 3 min read
Updated: Aug 31, 2020
(And How It Is Different From Love)
Often times, especially as teenagers, it is so hard for us to identify what we were really feeling for the opposite sex (or to others - for the same gender). Many would argue that they truly love the person. Others, would say they are just infatuated. Regardless how complex these emotions are, they are both a powerful and intense. It often left us confused or question it.
Here’s how to really know if we are just infatuated with someone:
INFATUATION is an extravagantly fleeting or short-lived and extreme passion or admiration for someone. It is often based on our own vision, speculation and ideals about the other person. Thus, forming an unrealistic view of the one we desire.
According to Berit Brogaard in her book “On Romantic Love”, for instance, when we unexpectedly bump into him or her, our brain may release a surge of hormones, one of it is dopamine. This hormone may cause us to form a belief that are not grounded in evidence. Therefore, it made us feel and think irrationally about that person and our emotions. Also, our emotional response does not fit to our perceived person of interest. But despite of it, we believed that our point of view is perfectly reasonable. Basically, when we are infatuated our brain chemistry controls us instead of our heart.
In addition, in Robert Greene's book, The Laws of Human Nature, it described that when we are infatuated, we experienced emotions like fears and insecurities that are greatly exaggerated. We felt terrorised with the thought of being abandoned. We may also have wild mood swings.
Normally, the phenomenon is that, we mistake in seeing the narcissist as genius, the suffocator as nurturer, the slacker for the exciting rebel, the control freak for the protector. While Others can see the truth and try to disabuse us of our fantasies, we don’t listen. What is worse is that, we often continue to make the same types of mistaken judgements again and again.
Therefore, being infatuated is a noxious and foolish desire. Anxiety, nervousness, urgency, intensity, risky decisions and abandonment of interest and people who used to be valuable to us, are experienced while we are infatuated. It usually happened at the start of the relationship when our aim is to make a satisfying commitment with that person so we can cater our overwhelming lust to the point of taking a huge risk. We lose ability to make smart decisions because our mind is only set to the goal of being with that person.
Infatuation is often misinterpreted as real love. But in contrast, real LOVE is a strong feeling of intense and deep affection that last the test of time. It is always gentle, patient, and kind. It sees and accepts the real person - flaws and all. It cares not for own's feelings and welfare but of the other. It is more careful and responsible. Indeed, it creates an environment that is safe and conducive for growth.
To overview infatuation, this is how it is different from love:
YOU ARE INFATUATED YOU LOVE THE PERSON
Short-lived Feelings last
You are unrealistic You are realistic
They seem high above you You truly have an equal partnership
You are focused on what you want Their happiness is important
out from them and the relationship
You think they are perfect Accepts them flaws and all
Crazy or irrational behaviour Open and honest
You can't wait to take the next step You are willing to wait for them
You feel like you know everything about them You know that the grass isn't greener
(and actually know nothing) elsewhere
You've suddenly lost interest You're suddenly open to try new things
on your previous activities
You feel like you just won lottery You don't let emotions get the best of you
You get really jealous You are freeing
You obsess over them leaving you Dsitance only makes your relationship stronger
You are creating a ton of drama Your fights are always productive not
in your relationship destructive
You are in love with superficial things With them, its different
SOURCES & REFERENCES:
Berit Brogaard, On Romantic Love (New York, U.S.A.,2015), 19 & 74.
Robert Greene, The Laws of Human Nature (New York, U.S.A., 2018), 334.
Hackspirit.com