My First Love Was My Cousin

“There you go! There you go, you’ll both fall down. I bet”, gagged by one of our friends while they try to push me and Ron-ron down the river.

I was six years old and he was five that time. I can’t remember his facial details but just like the water in the river, my feelings was still all clear to date. As the saying goes, ‘first love never dies’.

Since that time, we became allies and playmates. Karate and driving toy cars are our favourite.

Few years after, my parents decided for the whole family to reside in the city. We spent more than a day riding a ship to get there. Ever since that time, I had forgotten about him.

Until one day…

“Your cousin Ron-ron will arrive tonight. He will also study here in the city for good. We allowed him to stay with us for the meantime until his grandfather will come and fetch him”, informed by my mother.

As soon as he arrived that night came, I rushed and crawled quietly at the stairs to take a peek of him. I felt a mixed of nervousness, joy, excitement, and shyness when I once again had a glimpse of him while he impatiently sits at the sofa. He was all covered up with a black jacket and pants but his face was all fair. Complete with well rounded eyes and dark brown curly hair, I'm convinced that he’s the most handsome that I ever laid eyes on. Everything about him is so perfect.

“Was he also thinking about of me?”, I asked myself.

I was twelve. Young but my heart already knew. At that moment, I am sure that I am in love with him.

Few hours after, my mom called us for supper. She also invited our playmates to eat with us. When I chose to sit beside him, he greeted me and my knees felt week. At that point, one of our pretty friend, Irish, sat on his other side. Minutes later, they laugh about the eggs that they were eating. I felt so jealous that I volunteered to make milk for everybody and secretly put lots of sugar for their glasses.

The next day, I woke up and found out he had already gone to his new home. From that time on, I just diverted my attention in writing his name everywhere - in stationaries, notebooks, memo pads…For me, that was the most beautiful name a guy could have. Sometimes, I wrote letters for him. Its not that I have an intention to send it, but it helped me manage my sadness of not seeing him.

Often, I will look at the window and daydream about us loving each other, married with lots of children and are very happy. Because of that intense feeling, I'm sure he’s the one I wanted to be with forever.

When the school holiday came, he spent his days and slept over with us. We both played video games, walked hand in hand along the neighbourhood and went up the rooftop. Every dinner, we ate together and fought with the last piece of our favourite fruit, a mango.

One night, while we were having our supper with my siblings, my brothers spilled my secret admiration to him. They had read my hidden letters for Ron-ron. I was so embarrassed. Yet, after few days later, it was still him that I desired.

I was hoping that he also likes me and that all my dreams will come true. But, every time my friends would ask me, ‘Who is your crush?’, I didn’t gave an answer. I tried my best to hide what I feel because I knew it wasn’t right. It was wrong because he is my cousin. But I can't help my feelings.

This issue immediately reached my parents, “Stop your folly. Don’t you know you can’t be together? You are cousins! There are lots of other guys out there.”

Still, in more than two years, I nursed and concealed my feelings. And in that more than two years, I never saw him again. Always, I will pack my clothes to get ready. I was yearning that if someday he’ll come back, I will definitely go and live with him. But, he didn’t showed up. I have no idea what happened and how he was. He was gone. Most probably, because he already knew about my desire for him and wasn't interested at all. Or maybe, we just became too busy with our own personal lives.

Thereafter, two decades had passed. Every time I passed by a river, I saw myself smiling. I can still clearly see the reflection of my first love. It always flash backed to me the time when he and I were pushed to the river by our playmate and we fell. Then we just stared at each other and laugh out loud.

Finally, one fine afternoon, while I was crossing by the river beside my sister’s place, I received a call from him!

“Is your company there abroad got some hiring for my wife?”, he decisively asked.

I promised to help him and his wife out. Then I said goodbye with endearing, “I miss you there.”

He suddenly hung up. And that was my last words for him.

As I continued to walk along, I plead to myself in address to him, "Please, there are no more malice". Surely, my affection had faded with time. But if I will be given a few more minutes, I will tell.

I will tell over again how much I’m missing them. I’m missing everyone there in my home country. Because for the first time when my new phone rang, I tremendously felt sorrowful being away from my beloveds. I left to be an OFW*.

*OFW - Overseas Filipino Workers. A diaspora.

For Filipino (Tagalog) Version: https://www.thediaryofahousewife.com/post/ang-una-kong-pag-ibig-ay-sa-pinsan

Ang Una Kong Pag-ibig Ay Sa Pinsan

“Uuy, uuy! Ayan na mahuhulog na silang dalawa”, tukso ng mga kalaro namin habang pilit kaming tinutulak sa ilog.

Anim na taong gulang ako noon at sya nama’y lima. Hindi ko na matandaan ang kanyang mukha, pero ang aking nararamdaman ay malinaw pa sa tubig ng ilog. Ika nga, ‘first love never dies’.

Magmula noon, palagi na kaming magkakampi at magkalaro. Paborito namin ang karate at kotse-kotsehan.

Makalipas ang ilang taon, nagpasya ang mga magulang ko na manirahan na sa Maynila. Mahigit isang araw ang binaybay namin sakay ang barko. At mula nung panahon na iyon, ay nabura na siya sa aking isipan.

Hanggang isang araw…

“Darating mamaya ang pinsan mong si Ron-ron. Dito na rin sya sa Maynila mag-aaral. Pansamantala, dito muna sya sa atin titira habang hindi pa sya sinusundo ng kanyang lolo”, balita ng aking ina.

Kinagabihan, dali-dali akong gumapang ng tahimik sa sahig at sumilip sa may hagdan para masilayan sya. Halo-halong kaba, tuwa, sabik at hiya ang nararamdaman ko nung muli ko syang makitang nakaupo at halatang naiinip. Balot na balot sya ng kanyang itim na chaketa at pantalon, pero maputing-maputi ang kanyang mukha. Bilogan ang kanyang mga mata at mala-kayumanggi ang kanyang kulot na buhok. Sya na ata ang pinakaguapo na nakita ko. Lahat sa kanya ay kamangha-mangha.

“Iniisip nya rin kaya ako?”, tanong ko sa sarili.

Trece anyos na ako. Bata pa pero nagdadalaga na ang puso. Alam kong sa pagkakataong ito, inlab ako sa kanya.

Ilang oras pa, inimbitahan ng aking ina ang aming mga kalaro sa kalapit bahay para sa masayang hapunan. Sabay-sabay kaming naglapitan sa hapag kainan at nang magtama ang aming paningin, binati nya ako. Bigla namang nanginig ang aking mga tuhod. Gayun pa man, pinili ko pa ring tumabi sa kanya at sa kabila naman nya naupo si Iris. Ilang saglit pa, nag tawanan sila tungkol sa itsura ng nakahaing itlog. Sa sobra kong selos, tumayo ako at nagprisintang magtimpla ng gatas para sa lahat. Palihim ko itong nilagyan ng napakaraming asukal.

Kinabukasan, nagising na lang ako na nasundo na si Ron-ron ni lolo Leon. Agad akong nangulila at nagbaling na lamang ng atensyon sa kakasulat ng kanyang pangalan kung saan saan - sa mga mababangong papel, makukulay na kwaderno at maliliit na talaan. Para sa akin, ang pangalan nya ang pinakamaganda sa buong mundo at paulit-ulit ko itong sinasambit sa sarili. Kung minsan, sumusulat ako ng liham para sa kanya kahit na wala naman akong intensyong ibigay ang mga iyon. Ginagawa ko iyon para maibsan ang aking pananabik na makasama sya.

Madalas, namimintana ako at nangangarap na kami ay magmamahalan, magpapakasal, magkakaroon ng mga anak, at magiging masayang-masaya. Sa lakas ng nararamdaman ko, sigurado akong sya lamang at wala ng iba ang gusto kong makasama habang buhay.

Nang dumating ang bakasyon sa eskwela, dumalaw sya sa wakas. Naging madalas ito hanggang sa punto na nakikitulog na sya ng ilang gabi sa amin. Nagkaroon kami ng araw-araw na pagkakataong maglaro ng video games, mamasyal ng magkahawak-kamay sa kalye, umaakyat ng bubong kasama ang aking mga kapatid at nagpapaandar ng bangkang papel sa tabing-ilog. Tuwing gabi, sabay-sabay kaming kumakain at nag aagawan sa pareho naming paboritong prutas na mangga.

Isang beses, sa hapag kainan, biniro ako ng aking mga kapatid at sinabi sa kanya ang aking sikretong pag sinta. Nabasa daw nila ang aking pinakatago-tagong mga liham para kanya. Nahiya ako pero lumipas ang mga araw na sya pa rin ang alam kong pag-ibig. Sya lamang ang gusto kong makasama.

Umaasa ako na gusto nya rin ako at naniniwala ako na matutupad din ang mga pangarap ko. Ngunit, sa tuwing ako ay tinatanong ng mga kaibigan kung, ‘Sino ang crush mo?’, wala akong sagot. Pilit ko itong tinatago dahil alam kong mali. Mali dahil pinsan ko sya. Pinsan ko sya pero mahal ko sya.

Ang isyung ito ay agad namang nakarating sa aking mga magulang, “Tigilan mo na yang kahibangan mo. Hindi mo ba alam na hindi pwede maging kayo? Mag pinsan kayo! Marami pa namang iba dyan.”

Pero, mahigit dalawang taon ko ring kinimkim ang nararamdaman ko. At sa sobrang dalawang taon na iyon, hindi ko na rin sya nakita. Madalas akong nagbabalot ng mga damit, nagbabakasakali na kung bumalik sya, sasama na ako sa kanya. Pero hindi ko na alam kung anong nangyari sa kanya at wala rin akong balita. Marahil umiwas sya dahil sa kanyang nalaman tungkol sa nararamdaman ko para sa kanya, o baka sadyang, naabala lang kami sa kani-kan’yang buhay.

Hanggang sa higit dalawang dekada na ang nakakaraan, nakikita ko na lang ang sarili kong napapangiti sa tuwing dapapadaan sa mga ilog. Klaro kong na-aaninag ang una kong pag-ibig.

Naaalala ko, nung kami’y tinulak ng kalaro at tuluyang nahulog sa ilog. Umahon ako, nagkatingginan kami at nagtawanan na lamang.

Maka-ilang ulit pa akong napadaan sa tabing-ilog papunta sa bahay ng aking kapatid nang bigla akong nakatanggap ng tawag galing sa kanya, “Meron ka bang alam na mapapasukan ko dyan sa ibang bansa?”.

Ang pangako ko ay tutulong ako at nag sambit ng may pananabik, “Namimiss ko na kayo”. Binaba nya agad ang telepono.

Patay malisya at ang tamis ng unang pag-ibig ay napawi na ng napakahabang panahon. Pero yun na ang huli kong mga salita bago natapos ang aming pag-uusap.

Kung mabibigyan ako ng sandali para makapagsalita pa, sasabihin ko...

Sasabihin ko ulit kung gaano ako nasasabik sa kanila. Sa kanilang lahat na naiwan ko sa Pilipinas. Dahil sa unang pagkakataong tumunog ang aking bagong telepono, nakaramdam ako ng matinding pangungulila sa pamilyang naiwan ko dahil pinili kong lumayo sa kanya at maging isang OFW.

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* For English version: https://www.thediaryofahousewife.com/post/my-first-love-is-my-cousin